Category Archives: Jokes

Humour – husband / wife Relationship.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

I love this part…….
“Only when he’s been drinking.”

The difference between a lady and a politician

Bernard Shaw was once asked what the difference was between a lady and a politician and his reply was beautiful.

When a lady says no, she means maybe; when she says maybe, she means yes; when she says yes, she is no lady.



When a politician says yes, he means maybe; when he says maybe, he means no; and if he says no, he is no politician !

Tonto Goldstein

 

Tonto Goldstein

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what’s your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I’m sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don’t even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto………………………… Tonto Goldstein."

Obsession

 

Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed

To the first mother he said,"You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. And again, we can see it in your child’s name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up took her little boy by the hand and whispered let’s get out of here Dick.

Prospective Employee Assessment

 
Prospective Employee Assessment
 
MEMO

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

 

  • If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
  • If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
  • If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
  • If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
  • If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
  • If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.
  • If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
  • If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
  • And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Author Unknown

A Friend is like a good bra….

 
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! 
 
       - From a woman who wants to give the world a good laugh - 
 
**** Word of Warning ****  A bad bra could cause breast cancer. 
I
f bras are worned 24/7 a study showed that this increase the chance
of getting breast cancer because it chokes off the lymphatic drainage
system. So a good friend is also one who knows when to take off 8-).
        
                **** From a Man who knows nothing about bras ****

Beep Beep

 

Beep Beep

    A man went to the doctor complaining of impotence. The doctor gave him three tablets : " Take one and say Beep and when you want to get it down, say – Beep Beep".

    The man tried this in the doctor’s office, and got a response like he had never seen before. "Beep-Beep" he said and down it went.

     Thrilled, he went walking home.

     On the road, he wanted to try this again, so he took the second tablet and said "Beep" with excellent results. A car went past – "Beep-Beep" and down it went !

     He went home to his wife who was wearing a very sexy negligee. Full of hope, he went to bed with her, took the remaining tablet, and said "Beep"…..

    "What’s all this Beep-Beep about ?"  exclaimed the wife !

 

What is good for the goose, is good for the gander !

What is good for the goose, is good for the gander !

There was a man who got into lots of legal problems in having multiple affairs.
His daughter comes and says to him, “Dad, I want to get married to this man” showing a man next to her that she has brought him home.

Her daddy says “No my dear daughter you cannot marry him for he is your brother”.

She is so disappointed and gets one more boyfriend home after several months and says that she wants to get married to him, dad says that she cannot for that boyfriend is also her brother.

Every time the daughter gets a boyfriend, the daddy says the same thing. The daughter gets so fed up and went to mommy and says, “Mommy, whenever I get my boyfriend and daddy says that all are my brothers". Mom quickly interjected and said  “Go ahead, darling, you can marry anyone”, the daughter was surprised and says, “But mom how can I, those are all my brothers”. 

For this the mommy dearest says, “You can marry anyone for you are not his daughter”.

“Laughter – the best alternative medicine” by Dr. Korala.

"Laughter – the best alternative medicine" by Dr. Korala.

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital. She barely managed to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse rushed over to her with a wheelchair. "Why didn’t you call nine eleven and get an ambulance ?"  The lady replied, " My phone doesn’t have an eleven."

—————————————————-
       After just a few years of a marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided that the only way they could save their marriage was through therapy. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that they were nearing the final straw.

     At the therapist’s office the therapist asked "What seems to be the problem ?"

     Immediately, the husband held his long face down and didn’t say a word. His wife, however, began talking a mile a minute, describing all the wrongs in their marriage : "He doesn’t cook, and when he does, the casserole is always burned. He never remembers to put the cap back on the toothpaste. He always forgets to put the fabric softener in the wash. He stays out late playing poker…."

      After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. The wife sat there, absolutely speechless.

      He looked over at the husband, who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist addressed the husband. "Your wife needs that at least twice a week."

      The husband scratched his head and replied, "Well, I guess I can have her here on Tuesdays and thursdays."

——————————————————-
Did you hear the one about the young bone specialist ?

He just opened his office and only needed a good break to get started.

——————————————————
Patient : Nurse, during my operation, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.

Nurse : What word was that ?
Patient : Oops !

——————————————————

Late one night at the psychiatric ward, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another inmate asked, "How do you know?"

 "God told me!"

   A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "I did not!"

——————————————————-
"So, how did it happen ?" the doctor asked the middle aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

"Well, Doc, twenty five years ago"
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying Doc….Twenty five years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. Are you sure ? She asked. I am sure, I said. If ever there is anything I can do for you all you have to do is to ask."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but what does this story have to do with your leg?"

   "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the bed".

———————————————————
Elderly patient : "Doctor, do you think I’ll live another 20 years?"
Doctor : "Do you drink ?"
Patient: "No"
Doctor : "Do you smoke?"
Patient: "No"
Doctor : "Do you have any sexual activities?"
Patient: "Oh No, Doc"
Doctor : "Then what the hell do you want to live another 20 years for ?"
———————————————————

Lawyer Go to Hell

      A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

      The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

        Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."